Monday, March 26, 2018
26/Secrets & Lies
As my husband's dementia worsened, it was such a hard transition to go from decades of being open and honest with him to humoring him. It was necessary, of course, and I suppose it was kind—at least kinder than the alternative. But it was a long time before I stopped feeling like a disloyal liar.
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My mom never got to that point. She fought my dad until the end. I don't think she realized that he could not help the way he was acting.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you had to go through that. How heartbreaking, Susan.
I guess it's also hard to accept that he can't help the way he's acting, especially he is someone she always viewed as strong, someone who made her feel safe. I can't tell you how many times I wished I could talk over the situation with Joe--the Joe he was before the dementia. He was always so good about solving problems.
DeleteWhen Dad was in hospital going through a psychosis cause by an undiagnosed seizure disorder (long story) he would rant that the hospital staff were trying to kill him. My mother tried to reason with him, which made him think she was in on it. He only settled down when I offered to bring in a notepad so he could track all their transgressions. Which is my way of saying you absolutely did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI remember your dad's hospitalization. A scary time.
DeleteI feel so lucky I have been spared this. I do have a friend who is experiencing cognitive issues (very real ones, not the "where have I placed my keys" kind), and I find myself getting impatient with him. Then getting disgusted at myself for my lack of compassion. (And I know I'm not responding directly to your post. I guess I'm just acknowledging how incredibly difficult these kinds of situations are, which sounds like an underwhelming understatement.)
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly the right thing to do. My mother-in-law is going through this right now, and my father-in-law - who has always been very pedantic - is struggling to learn not to correct her, as is my brother-in-law who is visiting. It's not like she's going to learn, or can help it.
ReplyDeleteThis post—and comments—are really helpful right now.
ReplyDelete